im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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