woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
