He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize