The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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