I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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