Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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