he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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