foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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