I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
