You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
