So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
