dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
