On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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