Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
