If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
