You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
