My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
