I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
