Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Randomize
