I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Help. Why am I so naked?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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