PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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