I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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