I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
