pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
