WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
