we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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