Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
