that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
