I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
