Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Randomize
