She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I enjoy the company of your penis
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
