He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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