I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
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my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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