On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
