He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize