Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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