Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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