I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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