im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
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