It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
