I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
