Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
