alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
