there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
