Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
