last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
