I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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