how can u be prego again
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
