I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
