i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
