It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
