You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
