Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You were trust falling into bushes
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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