fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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