just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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