You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
