Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
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There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
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Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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