i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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