do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
